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A Gentleman’s Guide To Purchasing Illegal Drugs

by Funny Or Die
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Authentic art work created for Humorous Or Die

Tally ho, good sir! May you will have any of the cocaines?


When buying client merchandise, it’s crucial to keep up sure societal requirements. The identical guidelines apply when procuring that good shit.


1.

First, decide which method of illicit drug you want to imbibe by hiring a peasant boy to attempt each narcotic, stimulant, and psychotropic in the marketplace.


2.

Rigorously observe every substance’s impact on the younger road urchin – whichever places him within the gayest temper, and doesn’t kill him, is the drug for you. I’ve determined to go along with sniffing salts, aka “cocaine.”


3.

Have the road boy arrested for soliciting unlawful medicine. Poor folks shouldn’t break the legislation.


4.

Subsequent, you’ll must discover a Drugsmith, also called a “vendor.” Don’t go along with any of the sellers utilized by your urchin boy, nonetheless, as he’s a felon and subsequently untrustworthy.


5.

With a purpose to safe a correct Drugsmith, you could first formally announce your intention to purchase medicine. Do that by throwing a big gala at your property, nation membership or polo grounds.


6.

To command the eye of potential drug-sellers in attendance, clink your teaspoon towards a brandy snifter precisely 3 times, curtsey, then say the phrases “I’m thinking about buying unlawful medicine.”


7.

At this level, the drugsmiths will line up by peak, and every will probably be given 5 minutes to pitch his wares. Every drugsmith will attempt his greatest to woo you with fleeting glances, weekend journeys to the nation, and whispered guarantees of “the nice shit,” however solely you’ll be able to determine which peddler is best for you.


8.

When you’ve chosen your drugsmith, it’s customary to introduce him to your dad and mom. In the event that they approve of his upbringing, the place he attended grad college, and what number of horses he owns, you might proceed together with your drug deal.


9.

Earlier than receiving the medicine, you could now persuade your drugsmith that you’re not a “narc.” A narc is an impish knave who seduces drugsmiths into pondering he’s chill and right down to smoke or do blow, however, in reality, he’s a policeman in disguise. In case your drugsmith asks “Are you a cop?”, you must reply by reciting the next limerick:

“A cop is fop and I need to decree / I’m no extra a cop than I’m a tree! / for a tree’s product of wooden and a cop simply bacon / I’m down as a clown, sir, and I ain’t fakin’!”

If that doesn’t work, simply say “I’m not a cop.”


10.

Subsequent, your drugsmith will ask you what denomination of medication you wish to buy. Unlawful medicine are sometimes doled out within the following denominations: one lump, two lumps, a bushel, a peck, or a carriage-load.


11.

Upon getting bought your required quantity of sniffing salts, smoking soils or capturing savories, you might bid farewell to your drugsmith with a delicate kiss on the brow.


12.

Now, instantly throw your newly-purchased bag of medication into the closest garbage can. Unlawful drug-buying is finished merely for sport In excessive society, and it’s seen as uncouth to ingest one’s personal rating. If one nonetheless needs to get fucked up, he merely eats a bunch of prescription capsules, like a gentleman.


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