Courtesy of VTV
Really, really horrifying, however actually? Par for the course
We’ve clung to the identical few phrases to explain this garbage can hearth of a 12 months, they usually’ve been so totally exhausted by the media, emails from manufacturers dropping in to say simply because it’s the tip occasions doesn’t imply you possibly can’t nonetheless purchase their shit, and possibly all bosses initially of each firm Zoom assembly, that at this level I involuntarily brace once I know they’re coming. It was superb initially of 2020, however it’s September now and I’d actually relatively stab my eyes out with a pencil than learn the phrases “unprecedented occasions” or “new regular” ever once more. That’s why I believe the brand new go-to phrase must be: Issues are unhealthy.
It will get proper to the purpose, most significantly we’re not all sick of it, and it doubles as a useful measuring software. Permit me to elucidate. “Unprecedented occasions” is fairly broad and open-ended, you possibly can’t ask, “On a scale of 1 to 10, how unprecedented?” Unprecedented is simply…. unprecedented. “Issues are unhealthy” although? That is one thing we will quantify. If I opened with, “Issues are unhealthy,” and also you, the dwell studio viewers, requested, “How unhealthy are they?” I might reply that query.
As a result of, of us, issues are so unhealthy.
Issues are so unhealthy that this morning I used to be scrolling via information tales over a cup of espresso and I learn the headline VIETNAM POLICE BUST RING SELLING RECYCLED CONDOMS and didn’t even bat a watch. I really needed to scroll by two extra articles about it earlier than I used to be like, alright, let’s test this out.
Jesus. Okay. So, Vietnam police shut down this large operation wherein a whole warehouse workers of individuals have been cleansing used condoms, repackaging them, after which promoting them as new. The police confiscated roughly 345,000 used condoms (horrifying picture in itself) and the warehouse supervisor stated the shipments got here month-to-month from some unknown, thriller supply. “How did they go them off as new?” You may be asking your self. Effectively! After they boiled the used condoms and dried them, they rolled them again into form on a wood penis. After studying all of this, my solely ideas have been 1. Did they purchase the wooden dick or did they make it themselves, and a couple of. Eh, a minimum of it’s eco pleasant.
Not less than it’s eco pleasant??
WHO MADE THE WOODEN PENIS???
There’s solely one applicable response to a narrative like ‘PEOPLE ARE MASS COLLECTING USED CONDOMS AND WASHING THEM FOR RESALE’ and that’s, “WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.” However 2020 has not solely worn me down and turned me into such a weathered, jaded, husk of an individual that I learn that and went “PAH! That’s nothing,” it’s been such a toothpaste-and-orange-juice 12 months that, sadly however unsurprisingly, that wasn’t even the worst factor I learn at the moment. Lots of of hundreds of condoms in circulation have already been used? Are in addition they sentient and right here to destroy humanity? No? Then that’s superb. That’s how unhealthy issues are.