Home Funny Sharks Are Apparently Walking On Land Now, Excuse Me But No Thanks

Sharks Are Apparently Walking On Land Now, Excuse Me But No Thanks

by Sloane Hughes
Barcroft Media by way of Getty Photos

What the hell, you guys

If there’s one factor that everybody can agree on, it’s that sharks are cool as shit. They’re quick as hell, they’ve bought tons of of bitchin’ razor sharp tooth (besides you, whale shark, however you continue to rule), even their pores and skin is made up of basically microscopic tooth, and similar to your reliable greatest good friend from elementary college, they haven’t actually modified over the tons of of hundreds of thousands of years they’ve been round.

Or so we thought!

Apparently over the previous couple of million years, no less than 9 shark species off the coast of Australia and New Guinea have realized to stroll behind our backs. These conniving bastards, known as epaulette sharks, now use their fins to crawl throughout coral reefs.

So, initially, completely the fuck not.

We trusted you! You had been our rock in a swirling sea of evolutionary modifications! How might you do that to us, “epaulette sharks”, if that’s even your actual title. We beloved you simply the best way you had been, and you then go and betray our belief like this. I wouldn’t be shocked if you happen to’d truly stab us within the again, contemplating you most likely even have some type of fucked up shark palms now.

When does it finish, sharks??

Nicely, it doesn’t finish there, as a result of guess the fuck what. They’re not simply flipping everybody a webbed center finger and scrabbling over reefs, they’re truly strolling on land.


Look at this asshole

The audacity. The gall. We’ve been weathering a goddamn international pandemic for over a yr, from which we’re all gonna must work by means of bizarre cagey emotions round bathroom paper for like, a whereas, and now this shit? Sharks are leaving the fucking ocean and taking strolls on seashores, and that’s what we now have to take care of now?? No. NO. Sharks had their probability to enterprise onto land a couple of hundred million years in the past, they made their resolution and I’m placing my foot down. My human, land-dwelling foot. We can not enable this.

There’s already method an excessive amount of shit happening. No person has the time or power to take care of “oh by the best way, sharks wish to stroll amongst us” on high of the whole lot. Perhaps you’re studying this and pondering, “It’s not a giant deal! All of the strolling sharks are tremendous small, they’re not a menace!” To which I say, at first, the truth that you’re normalizing “strolling sharks” in any respect is disgusting, you make me sick. Secondly, yeah certain they’re small now, however what occurs once they determine they wanna get greater? They’ve already determined they wish to go away the fucking ocean with out consulting anybody, you suppose they’re gonna run it by the group once they wish to bulk up?

Fats probability, buddy.

And what sort of an instance is that this setting for sharks which might be already massive? In the event you don’t suppose the bull sharks or nice whites are going to lace up and instantly observe go well with as quickly as they hear about what these 2-foot-long punks are as much as then it’s essential to get up and scent the ocean salt. Do you wish to must look him within the eyes and inform Jaws to get off your garden? I don’t!

I don’t prefer it, I don’t belief it, and neither must you.

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